Ramgeman Office Memos
by frogstompinfun
Summary: Ever since Stephanie started working for Rangeman there have been a flurry of INTERESTING office memos having to be issued. these are based on ones I have recived and the helpful suggestions of others
1. Office Memo 1

Disclaimer: Lalalala ohh ok I disclaim

Office Memo 1#

It was just out of her reach on the top-most shelf she almost had it,

"Stupid men putting everything up high just cause there all six foot to the ceiling and I'm only five foot nothing...think there so funny...god damn MEN" Steph muttered to herself she managed to snag the edge of the packet of large manila folders only to knock off seven rolls of Gaffatape all shrink wrapped together. She Loved her job at Rangeman, researching, working surveillance, distraction, even some takedowns, but sometimes the boys really got on her last nerve with their teasing, there was a laugh from behind her,

"Gee Bomber, maybe you should put in a requisition for some stilts, or we should call you short stuff" said Bobby as he reached up and got the folders down for her she just glared at him as he left for the day.  
GOD DAMN IT she loved the guys really they were her second family but there were times when she could just, she smiled to herself and picked up the fallen gaffatape and made her way over to Bobby's now abandoned cubical.

Bobby parked his car and whistled as he entered the elevator just as Binkie and Junior exited they glanced at him and snickered he raised an eyebrow and wondered what that was all about as he got off on the fourth floor he figured something was up as the entire floor fell silent as he walked through, he stoped and stared in shock everything in his office was covered in Gaffatape...EVERYTHING! from the computer to the individual paper clips in his stationary caddy, absolutely bloody everything! and right in the middle of the mess was a piece of card with the words Love from Short Stuff written on it, he turned to look at Stephanie's cubical she just smiled and gave him one of her patented finger waves he had to smile she really was ingenious.

**INTERNAL MEMO----Rangeman office Trenton area**.

Employee's please note that there is to be NO use of Gaffatape without approval from management and subsequent supervision while in use.

Sincerely Office Manager Pierre.


	2. Office Memo 2

Offie Memo 2# 

She was going to be in so much trouble especially after the whole Bobby thing last month! She had tried moving the shelves away from the wall but they wouldn't budge, she knelt down on the floor and tried to tempt it out with some carrots from the fridge, HA! she managed to touch a finger to the furry little fuc... OUCH! The basted thing bit her! As she pulled her fingers back to inspect them it bounded out and disappeared down the hallway SHIT, SHIT, SHIT;

"Bomber what are you doing down there?" asked Hal curiously he was dressed in his SWAT looking gear, excellent he was even dressed to help.

"Well you remember that FTA I had to bring in Fred Delley, well he would only come quietly if I would look after his rabbits while he was in the lock up, just until his mother could come and collect them later today, so I put them in the break room and went to start the searches I had waiting and came back to check on them", steph started to look real embarrassed, "and well they looked so soft and fluffy and lonely I was just going to give it a hug and well┘it escaped" she mumbled, he loved that look that guilty little girl look it reminded him of his little sisters,

"So there"s a rabbit running around the office floors?"

"Well two" she sighed

"Two?" he said trying hard to keep a straight face

"Well I thought I could use it to lure the other one out"

"So you tried to use the other rabbit like a distraction job" he really was trying honest

"Oh shut up and help me find them" she glared and she crawled down the hallway in the direction that it had disappeared in.

"Maybe you should have dressed it in a mini skirt and a tight little Halter top" he said not even pretending to stop the laughter now

"Yeah, yeah yuck it up Hal"

"Put it in a pair of those boots like you own, some of that make up" he wiggled an eyebrow at her she stuck her tongue out at him.

Tank sighed and eyed the doorway as a little ball of white fluff darted across the front of his office.

"Thanks for that, yes Thursday afternoon will be great" he hung up on the pest control man and rubbed his hand across his shaved head and turned back to the computer

**INTERNAL MEMO----Rangeman office Trenton area.**

NO animals are to be housed on Rangeman premises without approval from management.

Sincerely office manager Pierre


	3. Office Memo 3

Tank picked up the envelope sitting on his desk, it hadn't been there last night when he'd locked up he was sure and he had been first in the office today, he slit the flap open and pulled out the content, photos, hostage photos he'd recognise them any where the victims where all sitting, tied to chairs eyes blindfolded, he couldn't see any physical damage but there was no telling what could still happen! He reached back into the bag with some trepidation pulling out a sheet of paper with three simple words typed on it in small bold print 

**EXPECT A CALL**

Ok so they wanted to negotiate this was good then there was a chance of getting the victims back safe and unharmed he picked up his cell and walked with purpose out into the tech room Hector was manning the computers and tech equipment

"Tank?" he said, Tank was a bit of a technophobe and tended to avoid the tech room.

"I'm expecting a hostage call any time I need traces put on this phone" he said tossing him the mobile Hector grabbed the phone, plugged it into a computer and opened some programs; He spent a very tense twenty minuets waiting for it to ring before it chirped to life he nodded at Hector who hit the answer/trace program,

"Hello Tank," came a deep and menacing voice he didn't recognise it but anyone that could pull off this kind of kidnapping probably was smart enough to use voice altering technology of some kind.

"You have no Idea who you are messing with, do you" he growled looking over at Hector to see if they had them tracked yet he shook his head a fraction no trace yet,

"Now is that really the way you want to be talking to your only hope of seeing them in one piece, temper temper Mr Pierre" the voice said mockingly. Tank grit his teeth, his hands curling into white knuckled fists, he must not loose his temper,

"What do you want?" he growled the strain in his voice evident,

"You took something of ours and we want it back Pierre, and until we get it back what we have will be at our very...tender mercy" ok now he was confused what on earth were they talking about, taken, what on earth was he meant to have taken? He hadn't done any of those types of jobs in years!

"And what is it I am meant to have of yours" he asked trying to think.  
Suddenly Hector clicked his fingers at Tank and pointed at the screen, this made no sense the call was coming from within the Rangeman building itself,

"You're a smart boy Pierre I'm sure you'll figure it out, but tick-tock goes the clock" said the voice in a singsong tone, they were in the building somewhere ,meaning they'd have to have gotten in with some help,or it was an inside job, then it hit him those bastards!! He stormed out of the tech room and into the main office floor glaring at everyone, they all looked busy,

"Ok fine you win I will lift the ban on high sugar content food and sodas in the building you can all have your precious Donuts again but I swear to god if anything had happened to them I will hunt you down and beat the shit out of you!" yelled Tank before he went to the elevator and hit the button for the gym, he needed to hit something and he needed to hit it now!

Once the doors to the elevator had shut behind him Stephanie leapt out of her chair and began to do a little victory dance, Bobby leaned over the back of her cubical to give her a high five.

"Nice work Bomber, you said you could get him to cave and you did, what I want to know is HOW you did it" he said with a laugh

"It's all a matter of having the proper leverage" she said with an eyebrow wriggle, once Bobby had sat back down she placed the call, "Success he caved return the prisoners" she all but chortled.  
When Tank came back an hour later he was greeted by the sight of all his precious little collectable clown figurines once again back on their shelf behind his desk, he hurried over to check on them

"Did they hurt you?" he murmured to them picking them up one by one and checking them over besides a few smudges of donut sugar they were all fine, with a growl he sat down at the computer and began typing.

**INTERNAL MEMO----Rangeman office Trenton area**

There will be **NO** improper use of clowns!

Sincerely Office manager Pierre.

so what do you think so far? there will be more coming soon I promise, also if you have recieved or think of any funny office memos that you think I could use don't hesitate to send them my way!!


	4. Office Memo 4

Bobby, Lester and Cal watched as she unsuccessfully tried to tug down the hem of her mid-thigh red sequined tube dress, 

"Damn it Lester, I wont be able to bend at all in this thing without everyone catching an eyeful" she growled frowning a little self consciously

"Sorry Bombshell, it's his type he likes the dresses short and the legs looong" he said eyeing her legs suggestively he was lying of course how could he be sorry about the view before him, Oh lord she had lifted her hair to the top of her head exposing her long pale neck which he was sure god made for nuzzling.

"I feel like I'm wearing a very shiny sock" she sighed as she started putting on her daintily strapped heels

"I...I'll be back" he said in a deep voice and headed for the hallway, Steph looked at Bobby a little confused , he swallowed and shrugged like he didn't know, but he knew he thought as he desperately tried to keep his eyes off her breasts where they were almost spilling out of the top of the dress god damn it wasn't fair she thought of him as a brother, all of them as brothers, what he wanted to do to her was anything BUT brotherly that was for sure; She had stopped trying to put on her shoes without bending over and with a sigh held them out to Bobby,

"Can you put these on for me?" she asked rolling her eyes, he let out a strangled snort was she trying to kill him, he mumbled something about checking on Lester and hightailed it out of there before he ruined his pants.  
She turned her face to Cal and raised her eyebrows

"What has gotten into those two tonight?" she asked putting her hand on her hip, he slid of the table top he had been sitting on and knelt before her taking the shoes from her hands and with reverence sliding then on her dainty feet, and they were dainty compared to him, he was, as she had affectionately called him once, a Steroidsarus and her foot was dwarfed by his hand, she was the hottest thing on two legs and she didn't even know it, half the men in the office were in love with her and the other halve wanted to pin her to her desk and fuck her brains out every time she batted those baby blues at them, by the time he was finished with her shoes Bobby and Lester had rejoined them, a little flushed but otherwise calmer.

"God your enough to break a priest in that outfit" said Lester eyes raking her up and down she looked at the countenance of all three men,

"You know what you guys need, you all need to get laid" she said shaking her head in exasperation

"Is that an offer?" said Bobby wriggling his eyebrows

"You know how hard it is for us to get girlfriends let alone keep them once they find out what we do, the hours and secrets we have to keep" said Cal frowning

"Who said anything about Girlfriends what you all need is just some casual sex if only to boost the moral around here cause let me tell you working in an office building with a bunch of men who haven't gotten any in a while is starting to get depressing" she said glancing at her watch "Shit I have to get going before I'm late for the damn distraction" she said Kissing Cal on the forehead in thanks before dashing off for the elevator, Lester, Bobby and Cal looked at one another specutivly.

"You know Bomber has a valid point there" Mused Lester thoughtfully.

Tank sighed and re-read the petition that was sitting on his desk signed by over 150 of the Rangeman employees from all the major Offices from North to Southern coast and turned to his computer.

**ALL OFFICES MEMO ------ Rangeman enterprises**

There is **NO** need for a Casual Sex Friday to boost office moral!!

Sincerely Office Manager Pierre


	5. Office Memo 5

_Quick note that this one is based of an ectual argument that my step brothers have quite often, I all ways thought that this would be the best way to solve it_!

The Beer was cold and the laughter was flowing, it was a Friday night and Steph found herself being introduced to the manly art of bonding, which she had been told usually meant a lot of alcohol and even more Porn before hitting a strip club to round the night out, but in deference to her being the only female (besides Ella) in the Trenton office they had opted for beer and action movies, which was fine by her because if she remembered correctly Grandma was still trying to pursue her stripping career and that was some thing that she wanted NEVER to have to see┘again.  
As the credits rolled on Walking Tall Bobby held up the last two cases,

"So what will it be guys Underworld or Resident Evil?"

"Ohh Underworld, that Kate man she is the definition of hot!" shouted Lester almost spilling his beer all over him self in his enthusiasm

"No way man you have rocks in your head Milla Jovovich is the hottest bad ass chick out there" said Hal shaking his head.

"Oh PLEASE there is no humanly way that Milla is hotter than Kate, I mean have you seen Underworld just look at what she gets to wear all that tight black leather, the guns, the way she fights if that doesn't do it for you then I don't know what is wrong with you!" said Lester huffing, yes she thought actually huffing.

"Dear god man are you gay as well as blind?" said Hal "no offence man" he said quickly to Hector who just smiled egmaticly and raised his beer in salute, "are you really being serious I mean come on there is no way you can possibly believe that drivel, Milla is by far the hotter babe and her skills are off the hook, besides at least she's human, Kate is a walking corpse" he said with a sense of triumphant finality

"No she's not she's full of that virus stuff, plus she's a genetically modified clone or something" said Lester indignantly

"Not in the first movie she's not, she's all woman" he said making suggestive hand movements, "besides even of she got bonded with the T-Virus she's still more human than the walking corpse"

"No way is she better Kate is unbridled power, beauty and danger all wrapped up in one very fuc..., nice package" said Lester quickly glancing at Ranger who was sitting next to her on the couch

"Man you have NO idea what you are talking about" said Hal with a snort

"Oh and like you do"

Stephanie shivered as ranger lent down as whispered in her ear,

"I don't care what they say I believe you could beat them both out in looks and being Bad ass department" she smiled at Ranger as Hal and Lester's argument deteriorated into a round of No way, Totally, No way, Totally, NO WAY, TOTALLY, Steph suddenly grinned

"Gentlemen there is really only one way to finish this!" she said with a grin...

**INTERNAL MEMO----Rangeman office Trenton area.**

Employees please note that inter office disputes are not to be solved with bouts in the Ring Of Death.

Sincerely Office Manager Pierre.


	6. Office Memo 6

"This is all your fault you realise" muttered Hal as he counted all the red pens in the box, 

"How is this my fault!" said Steph indignantly

"You put the idea in our head" added Lester as he noted the total down on the piece of paper they were using to do the stocktaking of the office supply cupboard

"What like you all don't have free will" she said rolling her eyes before taking the box from him and eyeing it wearily "When he said we had to test all the equipment in here to make sure it worked do you think he meant every single pen or do you think that I can get away with just one from each box?" she said with a sigh

"Do you really want to risk it?" said Lester with a shrug

"No I suppose not, I don't want t wake up tomorrow in Botswana" the boys looked at her oddly "Never mind"

"What's this" exclaimed Hal as he pulled a silver wrapped present with a big shiny Christmas bow on the top

"HEY I know what that is, remember last year when we did Secret Santa and Bobby hid the gift he got for Binkie so he wouldn't lose it, and then couldn't remember where he put it! I bet that's it" said Lester excitedly, they all eyed the gaily wrapped parcel with kid-like enthusiasm

"Do you think we should open it?" said Hal hesitantly "I mean it's not..." he began

"Oh give it here" said Steph ripping into the paper with wild abandon "Ohhhhh" she said with a grin

"Nice" agreed Hal

"DUDE are you kidding me that is so freaking awesome! I used to have one of these they're the bomb" said Lester wit a wide grin

"You know we were told to test ALL the equipment to make sure it worked properly" said Steph grinning wickedly

"Yeah wouldn't want to not do exactly what the boss man told us to!" agreed Hal nodding soberly

"Yee Haw" whooped Lester scooping it out of her hands and darting out of the closet "I know the best place for this too Hal you go get a bucket of water and Steph you grab the detergent from the break room."

Tank rounded the corner of the hall and was promptly knocked to the tiled floor outside the kitchen by a very wet, very soapy Hal, he hauled himself to his feet and eyed the other two miscreants who where as wet and soapy as their partner currently still lying on the floor in a daze

"Someone want to tell me exactly what the hell is going on here?" he all but yelled at them

"Just testing the Office supplies like you ordered" said Stephanie innocently well as innocently as she could with a mass of soapy bubbles clinging to her wet Rangeman uniform, he sighed sometimes it felt like he was in a grade school not a highly respected - multi million dollar security firm.

He sat at his desk and began to type.

**INTERNAL MEMO----Rangeman office Trenton area.**

ATTENTION a Slip 'N' Slide is not office equipment

Sincerely Office Manager Pierre.


	7. Office Memo 7

Stephanie was just shutting the door to the Cal's Rangeman apartment when she looked up to see the Ranger, Tank and the Pest Control man walking down the hallway towards her, Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit! she thought to herself wondering what the hell she was going to do. 

"Well like I said I have been through this whole building five times since you called me 4 months ago and I have finally located the source of the spread to this floor it's just I'm not sure where as of yet exactly" she froze as they all looked up and spotted her

"Hey Babe?" she tried to wipe any traces of guilt from her face

"Ranger, Tank , Bill the terminator" she said this last name a little harshly but she and Bill tended not to see eye to eye on a lot of things like namely the slaughter of sweet tiny furry little totally defenceless animals, well she was a Hamster Mummy after all, when he had found that out Bill had muttered something about perpetuating the cycle and Hector had to throw her over his shoulder and carry her out of the room before she went him,

"What are you doing here Steph I thought you had the day off?" asked Tank curiously

"Me", she said trying to control the squeak in her voice, "Um nothing I was just visiting Cal" she said trying to sound nonchalant about it, by the look in Rangers face she wasn't succeeding too well

"What's in the box babe?" she looked down at the large cardboard box in her hands.. Oh, _that_ box "Umm nothing," he raised an eyebrow and peered in

"Lettuce leaves, carrots and celery... Babe what's going on"

"Diet?" Both Ranger and Tank raised their eyebrows simultaneously

"I'm gonna have to go in and search all the apartments individually to see if the little bastards have somehow managed to get into the walls in one of them" interupted Terminator Bill killer of all things small and fluffy

"Well I was just in Cal's and he's not there, no rabbits either which gives you one less apartment you have to do" she said plastering on a big smile, Rangers eyes raked her face as if he was trying to read her

"Well that works for me It's gonna take me hours as it is to do all the others" said Bill the Terminator. Tank shrugged and the boys turned to move off down the hall, they were almost home free when the door behind her opened and Cal stuck his head out, she shut her eyes and winced

"Remember Steph Organic veggies not that Supermarket stuff I want it to be as close to the real... Um hi Boss, Tank" he said nodding politely at Bill the Terminator,  
Steph looked down at her feet as a little white baby bunny hopped out from inside his apartment through her legs and stopped at Rangers feet, Crap! she thought to herself as Tank stepped forward and pushed open Cal's door to reveal Bunnies everywhere; They were on the chairs the tables the floor there were even a few on the kitchen bench, a sea of tiny fluffy bodies surrounded the mammoth of a man, he reached down and picked up the tiny body that had leapt to it's freedom in the hall,

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" yelled Tank taking it all in

"What I couldn't let them die; There were only the three babies to begin with and I was planning on telling you then you brought in Captain Death over here," said Cal pointing to Bill "and he killed their mum and dad and they had no one they were defenceless I had to save them," he pause trying to control of himself..were those tears thought Tank

"_Please don't kill my babies_!" he implored scooping more of them off the floor, Ranger pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed looked to Stephanie who was giving him big doe eyes

"Isn't there something, anything you can do to save them Ranger" she asked batting her eyes and looking at him with complete faith...Ahh shit...he sighed again.

**INTERNAL MEMO ------ Rangeman Office Trenton area**

All Rabbits found on Rangeman premises are to be immediately handed in for transportation to 'Rangeman Bunny Farm'

Sincerely Office Manager Pierre.


	8. Office Memo 8

Stephanie plugged the stereo into the internal pager system of the Rangeman Office floor, usually it was only used to announce Fire and Bomb drills but today it would be perfect for her purposes, she glanced around at the night shift which this week consisted of Woody, Jr, Binkie, Manny, Ram, Miguel and Zero who were still here waiting for the shift change, excellent she was the first one here this morning then, she pushed the little earpiece into her ear and signalled Erik in the control room

"All clear for the moment Bomber, wait Bobby has just pulled in" came Erik's voice, she nodded and cued a song on the stereo, as the elevator pinged open and he started walking in she hit play, he looked up startled.

_Doctor Jones, Jones  
calling Doctor Jones  
Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones  
get up now (wake up now)  
Doctor Jones, Jones  
calling Doctor Jones  
Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones  
wake up now (wake up now)  
Ah yippie yi yu  
Ah yippie yi yeah  
Ah yippie yi yu ooooh  
Ah yippie yi yu  
Ah yippie yi yeah  
Ah yippie yi yu ooooh_

"Steph what on earth are you doing" he said as the guys behind her gave a few snickers she just winked at him as Erik let her know that Cal was on his way up;

Once again the doors pinged open and Cal walked out, he looked up and smiled at her opened his mouth to say hi but before he could she hit the pay button again.

_I was working in the lab late one night  
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight  
For my monster from his slab began to rise  
And suddenly to my surprise  
He did the mash  
He did the monster mash  
The monster mash_

_It was a graveyard smash  
He did the mash  
It caught on in a flash  
He did the mash  
He did the monster mash_

This time the laughter was stronger with Bobby joining in as well, the boys having explained what was going on, then she got another announcement from Erik Hector was on the way up,

The doors opened, he entered, she pressed play.

_'Cause he met up with Meritta, a dancer in from the Coast  
Half woman, half child, she drove him half wild  
He loved that lady the most  
'Til one night he did find her in the arms of Shrimper Dan  
So he pulled a knife, took poor Danny's life  
And then he turned his own cold hand._

_And it's just a Cuban crime of passion  
Messy and old fashioned  
Yeah, that's what the papers did say  
It's just a Cuban crime of passion  
Anejo and knives a slashin'  
But that's what the people like to read about  
Up in America, up in America._

Hector was grinning and singing along with the words albeit in Spanish, he grabbed her hand danced her around for a bit to the hoots and hollers of the men, she received another heads up from the control room and she cued the next song as Hal exited next, she pressed play.

_They see me mowin' my front lawn  
I know they're all thinkin' I'm so white and nerdy_

_Think I'm just too white and nerdy  
Think I'm just too white and nerdy  
Can't ya see I'm white and nerdy  
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy_

_I wanna roll with the gangstas  
But so far they all think I'm too white and nerdy_

_Think I'm just too white and nerdy  
Think I'm just too white and nerdy  
I'm just too white and nerdy  
Really, really white and nerdy_

This time the laughter was loud no one was even pretending to work they were all standing around waiting to see who got what song next;

Hal was standing there his arms crossed frown on his face, she grinned innocently and batted her eyebrows at him while she cued the next song.

The doors opened and in strode Lester.

_How d'you do, I  
See you've met my  
Faithful handyman.  
He's just a little brought down  
Because when you knocked  
He thought you were the candy man.  
Don't get strung out by the way I look.  
Don't judge a book by its cover.  
I'm not much of a man by the light of day  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.  
I'm just a sweet transvestite  
From Transexual, Transylvania.  
Let me show you around  
Maybe play you a sound.  
You look like you're both pretty groovy.  
Or if you want something visual  
That's not too abysmal,  
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie._

Lester looked a little confused at first before he was grinning and strutting around so like Frankenfurter as he mimed the words it had them all in stitches and grasping their sides, the next person Erik announced had her grinning from ear to ear.

As Ranger stepped out of the elevator he looked up from the folder he was reading, he spotted her and gave her one of his wolf grins which was kinda ironic se thought, she smiled back and pressed play, an unholy wolf howl cut through the air.

_Owoooooooo!  
Who's that I see walkin' in these woods?  
Why, it's Little Red Riding Hood.  
Hey there Little Red Riding Hood,  
You sure are looking good.  
You're everything a big bad wolf could want.  
Listen to me._

_Little Red Riding Hood  
I don't think little big girls should  
Go walking in these spooky old woods alone.  
Owoooooooo!_

_What big eyes you have,  
The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad.  
So just to see that you don't get chased  
I think I ought to walk with you for a ways._

Ranger stalked up to her still grinning and kissed her like he was trying to devour her soul

"Babe do I want to know?" he asked amused, she held up a finger as her earpiece crackled once more she grinned in delight. Everyone waited in anticipation as Tank exited the elevator and stopped ,

"What?" he said looking a little confused she just smiled bigger and hit play once more

_Mmm bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du yeah  
Mmm bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba du dop  
Ba du bop, ba du dop  
Ba du yeah  
Said oh yeah  
Yeah  
Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose  
You can plant any one of those  
Keep planting to find out which one grows  
It's a secret no one knows  
It's a secret no one knows  
Mmm bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du yeah  
Mmm bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba du dop  
Ba du bop, ba du dop  
Ba du yeah  
In an mmm bop, they're gone  
In an mmm bop, they're not there  
In an mmm bop, they're gone  
In an mmm bop, they're not there  
Until you lose your hair  
But you don't care  
Mmm bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du yeah  
Mmm bop, ba duba dop  
Ba du bop, ba du dop  
Ba du bop, ba du dop  
Ba du yeah_

People were on the floor they were laughing so hard she was laughing so hard she had tears streaming down her face, Lester looked like he was about to pee himself, Ranger was the only one not incapacitated with laughter though she could see the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.

Tank looked like he was about to kill someone

"Everyone needs a theme song" she said by was of explanation between the giggles "wanna hear the one I picked as the Rangeman song?" she asked as Tank stalked into his office Ranger tilted his head resigned and once more she hit play,

_We're men, we're men in tights.  
We roam around the forest looking for fights.  
We're men, we're men in tights.  
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!  
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!  
We're men, we're men in tights,  
Always on guard defending the people's rights._

_[Dance number, chorus line style_

_We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yeah!  
We roam around the forest looking for fights.  
We're men, we're men in tights.  
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!  
We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights.  
We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),  
Always on guard defending the people's rights.  
When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!  
We're butch._

As the sounds of raucous laughter filled the office floor Tank sat down at the computer and began to type.

**INTERNAL MEMO ------ Rangeman office Trenton area**

Employees do Not require theme music when they enter or exit the building.

Sincerely Office Manager Pierre.

The songs are:

Bobby - Dr Jones by Aqua

Cal - Monster Mash I don't know who exactly sings this I got it off a compilation of Halloween songs

Hector - Crime of Cuban Passion by Jimmy Buffett

Hal - White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovich

Lester - Sweet Transvestite From the movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Ranger - Little red riding hood by Ray Stevens

Tank - Mmm Bop by Hanson (heheheheheheheheheheh)

And the Rangeman theme song Men in Tights from the movie by Mel Brooks Robin Hood: men in tights


	9. Office Memo 9

Tank looked at the seemingly innocent piece of paper in his hands, he had come to learn that when it came to Stephanie Plum things were rarely as innocent as they seemed.  
He had gotten a little wary the last couple of weeks something was going on he could feel it, Ranger training had honed his shit-O-meter and something was setting it off, on a hunch he had decided to do a little tactical recon in Stephanie's cubical, where ever their was trouble she wasn't going to be too far behind, that's were he had found the list.

He looked at the piece of paper again,

_10, 1kg vats of Yogurt _

_21 fold away chairs_

_3 inflatable sheep_

_Large tin of blue finger paint _

_1 string bikini in Hot Pink_

_1 string bikini in Day-glow Orange_

_13m of bubble wrap_

_1 box of zippy ties_

_3 cases of Carona _

_A fly-kicking midget _

_A picture of the A-Team_

_Soundtrack to Fight Club_

He shook his head only this group could come up with something like this why did it have to be the Trenton Office all the time though the other area office managers never had this much to put up with, he sighed and turned on the computer;

_Issued Wednesday 11.40_

**INTERNAL MEMO ------ Rangeman Office Trenton area**

All construction on the ring of death is to stop immediately.

Sincerely Office manager Pierre.

_Issued Wednesday 2.54_

**INTERNAL MEMO ------- Rangeman Office Trenton area**

It doesn't matter what the name is changed to it is still the same thing and construction will cease immediately

**I.e. **Circle of doom, Pit of mortality or the Sometimes iffy oval of peril

Sincerely Office Manager Pierre.


	10. Office Memo 10

It was way to hot today and the aircon on the office floor was out of commission, so when her lunch break had wandered around she had grabbed an icy pole out of the freezer and headed down to the garage floor which happened to be the coolest place in the building today.  
As she got off the elevator she noticed that Lester, Hal, Cal, Junior and Manny all seemed to have the same idea as her, except instead of an icy pole they were working on one of the SUV's .

"Hey Bomber" Grunted Manny as he put his weight behind the wrench he was trying to turn, the others turned and greeted her as well, with nothing better to do she pushed aside some bottles of antifreeze and car polish and sat herself down of the large wooden crates that the were occupying space in the garage.

"What exactly are you all doing?" Rangeman had it's own mechanics in a garage nearby that did all the James Bond type modifications to their cars. Well except hers. They refused to touch hers saying that they didn't want her bad car karma to rub of onto them, they were a paranoid superstitious lot and not even a direct order from the Boss man himself could get them to change their minds.

"Just giving it a tune up noting special" shrugged Hal

"Ahh anything not to go back into that damn office anytime soon" she nodded understandingly, her eye was caught by something written on the crates she was sitting on NON-FLAMMABLE "Hey what's in these?" she said moving some more of the bottles and accidentally knocking over a few of the open ones, great now there was a thick green liquid spreading over the boxes just brilliant Steph she thought to herself.

"Oh those are the knew Hazmat/fire-fighting suits, part of Tanks '_Constant Vigilance_' speech from the other week there's one for the boot of every Rangeman car though I told him that he should just put them all in the back of your car and cut his losses" Grinned Junior playfully

"Yuk yuk yuk so funny" she said with a grimace as she tried to mop up the mess she had made with some napkins from her pocket but all it did was spread it around further

"Bomber strikes again" said Hal

"There's cleaner in the back room" said Cal pointing to a door set in the back wall of the Garage "It's in a grey blue bottle" she flicked the overhead lights on and looked at the shelves, she found a grey bottle with a blue lid it was the only thing that she could see that matched the description she read the label Potassium Permanganate, that sounded like some kind of cleaner fluid, she brought it back out with her and poured it on the antifreeze, there was practically no warning, no sizzling no smoke just an intense chemical smell before green-blue flames leapt for the ceiling scorching her face as they flew past she leapt back in surprise and fell on her butt. Manny rushed over and grabbed her under her arms pulling her out of the way of the boxes, now burning like a funeral pyre, and over towards the car they had been working on.

"How the hell did you……" began Junior

"It wasn't me" she squeaked eyes open in horror at the destruction before her, the chemically ignited fire having now consumed the wooden crates, latched onto the suits inside and was now slowly incinerating them

"How … b..b..but they're … NON-flammable" stuttered Woody shaking his head

"Shotgun NOT telling Tank" said Junior quickly Stephanie just hung her head between her legs and mentally reviewed her winter wardrobe wondering if she had enough warm clothes to survive the winter in the Artic were she was probably going to be sent after this incident and praying to god that the fire satayed away from the parked cars!

"What did you pour on that stuff?" asked Hal taking the bottle out of her hands "Well shit Steph no wonder this isn't cleaner it's some of Bobby's medical liquid, I'm not actually 100 persent sure what he uses it for but if you poor this on Anit-freeze or glycerine the chemicals react and you have instantaneous fire!" he said shaking his head.

"It was the only bottle that was blue and grey that I could see" she said somewhat defensively

"Nah I reckon she just took the label non-flammable a little to personally" Cal was really laughing now

"Bite me skull boy!" she snapped hopefully Tank would let her pack before he booked the plane ticket!

**INTERNAL MEMO ------ Rangeman Office Trenton area**

The term Non-Flammable is not a personal challenge

Sincerely Office manager Pierre.

**NOTE THE CHEMICAL REACTION IN THIS FIC ARE REAL AND CAN HAPPEN, I STRESS THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THIS WITHOUT THE SUPERVISION OF A PROFESSIONAL AND NEVER UNSUPERVISED AS THE RESULTS CAN BE VOLATILE AND UNPREDICTABLE AND CAN RESULT IN DEATH IF DONE INCORRECTLY…THANK YOU**


	11. Office Memo 11

Office Memo Eleven

Stephanie sighed and spun in her computer chair, she was so board she could stab herself in the ear for the sheer entertainment factor, ok well maybe not her ear but something drastic anyway.

When Ranger and Tank had been selling her on the points of joining the Rangeman team like benefits, good salary, Exciting job opportunities etc; they had failed to mention the mind numbing – rather rip your fingernails out one by one -boredom of having to type up reports after doing a job.

Seriously for mysterious black op-secret in the night-don't blink or I'll kill you security they seemed to need a report for everything from taking the SUV down to the car detailer to get the blood out of the boot to the blow-by-blow on the surveillance she'd sat for four hours yesterday.

Suddenly she stopped spinning and eyed her computer screen with a half nauseas, half speculative look in her eyes, there was no rule saying that she couldn't make the reports more interesting and Tank was usually very precise in what she could and couldn't do. So with a smile she pulled her chair up to her desk and deleted the little she had already typed and began again.

Tank shoved the pile of reports at Ranger

"Look at these man" he said sounding a little strung out, Ranger gave them a quick read through and chuckled

"Well she's certainly inventive you've got to give her that"

"Sure it was cute the first couple of times but now the rest have started doing it and it wont be long before the other offices find out then I'll be reading hundreds like them every week, man there's only so much of them I can take." He said sounding a little desperate.

"Then take care of it man I have complete confidence in you said Ranger slapping him on the back and walking off still reading the reports and laughing under her breath.

**RANGEMAN OFFICE TRENTON AREA – INTERNAL MEMO**

When writing Job and task reports please stick to proper office format they are not to contain any of the following...

In a galaxy far far away

Once upon a time

Four score and seven years ago

Her heavy breathing caused her breasts to quiver in their too tight bodice tempting him to rip it open and taste her hidden delights.

And then I was joined by the Ninja Turtles

Advarst me hearties

It was a dark and stormy night

The masked highwayman lay in wait for our intrepid heroin

Use the force, Use the force

Ranger I am your father...

** Office Manager Pierre**


	12. Office Memo 12

Office Memo Twelve

Stephanie joined Lester, Woody, Bobby, Carl and Hal at the window to the main conference room;  
There were eleven men sitting around the large table, early to mid twenties all muscled with short back and side haircuts.

"Ohh who are they?" she asked curiously

"Fresh meat" Lester grinned

"The're new probably just out of basic training, just finished their first year of rotation the Boston Office recruited them and all new employees have to come through this office for orientation and training." Explained Cal

"It's my favourite time of year" smiled Lester rubbing his hands together in true evil fashion

"It's like hell week from school taken to the next level" said Woody with an equally evil expression of his own.  
Stephanie eyed the poor fools sitting quietly and unsuspecting in the room.

"I feel like I should be Warning them or something" she mused

"I call giving them the equipment orientation" said Lester

"Aww you get all the fun" whined Bobby

"Watch and learn people watch and learn" was all he said as he opened the door and went in.

Tank sighed as he read over the resignation letters of two of the new recruits, it was only the first day god damn it he had never had wrinkles until he had agreed to take up this position for Ranger, he rubbed his hand over his shaved skull and sighed as he booted up his computer.

**RANGERMAN OFFICE TRENTON AREA – INTERNAL MEMO**

Rangeman personnel are not to instruct new Employees that the aspirin in their med kits are cyanide pills to be taken in the event they are captured while on a job.

**Office Manager Pierre.**


	13. Office Memo 13

Office Memo Thirteen

Anthony looked up from the paperwork he was quite happily buried in when someone knocked politely on his office door; he almost dropped his sheaf of papers in shock when he saw who it was, Stephanie Plum!

Sure he worked for Rangeman, as an accountant he never really interacted with Rangers crew yet even so everyone recognised _**her**_.

He'd spotted her a couple of times in the elevator and the garage even bumped into her once as she exited Rangers office she had blushed and apologised for spilling his papers everywhere. But that wasn't what had him gobsmacked no that was what she was wearing, tight black leather pants, knee high red velvet boots, loose white shirt with a lace up front that was barley laced so that she was showing him nearly everything, her hair tumbled down around her shoulders in large ringlets gold hoop earrings in her ears and a red sash tied around her waist; She looked like a sex on legs pirate stepped straight off the cover of some trashy romance novel, not that he had read one ...honest.

"C.C.C Can I help you Miss Plum?" he stuttered wishing his voice didn't sound quite so squeaky. She just smiled in a way that could make a boy a man and crooked her finger at him before disappearing from the doorway, he scrambled to follow her and barley made it to the elevator in time were another of the fourth floor employees was also waiting the one with the flaming skull tattooed on his head, what had him really confused was why he was dressed as a pirate as well.

"Advast ye scurvy sea dog" he growled in a deep pirate voice

"W.What is going on?" Anthony asked a little worried now, everyone knew that the men who worked on the fourth floor were a bunch of crazy thugs which was one of the reasons why he could never understand why Stephanie spent so much time with them, she was such a nice woman, Stephanie tut-tutted and hit the button for the roof.

Anthony shrunk against the wall furtherest from them and jumped in fright as the doors suddenly pinged open and he was prodded out, were he found the rest of the fourth floor crew minus Tank and Ranger all dressed as pirates, including the remaining new employees who were dressed as cabin boys and were "swabbing the deck" on their hands and knees with toothbrushes; He was pushed in front of a table behind witch sat Lester, Bobby and Woody. Lester who was in the middle was dressed as the Captain.

"Arrggg there be the dog" he growled slamming his fist down on the table loudly as everyone made various negative pirate noises,

"Well done on completing your mission Flaming Skull Head the pirate and Only Female Pirate" growled Woody

"Are you all on drugs, what the hell is going on here?" Anthony exclaimed as one of the Pirates whose name escaped him right then, Rinky, Sinky, kikny, something stupid grabbed him and quickly and efficiently tied his hands behind his back.

"You've been brought before the Scurvy Council on charges of cutting the Christmas budget by two thirds and ruining the Christmas party that was being planned, How do you answer?" yelled Lester along with a chorus of pirate cries of anger and indignation.

"This is what all this is about, look I had to the budget had been blown cutbacks needed to be made" he said desperately.

"So you're admitting that this is all you're doing then?"

"Well yes but..." he was cut off with boos and jeers.

"There you go brethren, from his own lips ye have heard it he confesses, how ye judge him?" cried Lester, there was a resounding cry of Guilty!

"There be only one punishment for scum such as ye" said Lester in a quietly deadly voice

"READY THE PLANK!" Boomed Woody

"Aye Aye," snapped out the 'cabin boys' as they leapt to rig up a plank that extended out over the side of the roof

"You can't do this, I'm just an accountant! No stop!" he yelled in utter terror as two of the big thugs picked him up and deposited him on the plank, then with a resounding chorus of pirate insults he was shoved off the edge."

Tank looked up startled as something thumped against his office window.

When he'd told them to take their objections up with accounting he had been expecting something to happen, a petition, some creative threats.. something, but defiantly not finding Anthony the accountant hanging from the side of the building via a rope attached to the back of his belt, he got up from his desk and went over to open the window and peer up to see most of the fourth floor dressed as pirates peering back down.

"Darn it is the Boss" said Bobby in a heavy pirate voice

"YOU FUCKING BARSTARDS I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL BLOODY PRICKS" screamed Anthony from where he was hanging and spinning slightly as they began to pull him up.

Tank just shut his window and made his way over to his desk sitting down and grabbing the now permanently placed bottle of Advil from his draw and threw two back.

**RANGEMAN OFFICE MEMO TRENTON AREA – INTERNAL MEMO _10:30_**

Rangeman employees are not authorised to make people walk the plank and new recruits are not to be used for swabbing of any kind.

**Office Manager Pierre**

**RANGEMAN OFFICE MEMO TRENTON AREA – INTERNAL MEMO _14:50_**

There is no walking the plank authorisation form.

**Office Manager Pierre**


End file.
